I recently wrapped up my, “Evolve Beyond Your Story,” three-month intensive coaching series, and I found myself sharing so many personal stories. These examples were where my kids or I brought our unconscious conscious so we could take ownership of our happiness, align to our authenticity, and meet life’s beckoning.
The course mentioned is a radical 10-step approach to finding freedom and empowerment through the forgiveness, letting go, and ownership process. It’s an opportunity for people to be mentored and coached on a deep dive and who feel a duty to heal the victim narrative and cycle of pain consciously. Not because wrong didn’t happen but because the pain of carrying it around is too damaging for us and those we love. We all want to feel empowered, clear, and free from struggle, yet most people have old unconscious, unhealed wounds that need honouring before that is actualized.
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ― Albert Einstein
There are distinct steps, stages, and processes we must go through on the conscious healing journey that allow us to live life fully, rather than remaining a victim of our unconscious wounds or patterns. We’re meant to let our light shine and see life as the miracle it is (even the “yuckiness”).
BUT, in order to see life through that lens, we must be willing to do two things: unravel and understand our story and then transcend it!
We aren’t what happened to us, and we are more than the worst thing we have ever done. BUT, it takes specific processes and a very safe, grounded, sacred space to embrace our vulnerability and deep pain so that we can become empowered by it instead of being imprisoned by it.
This choice to honour our unconscious beliefs, take ownership of our suffering, and consciously choose truth, healing, love, and joining is not the norm (even for so-called leaders). How we handle challenges, adversity, or attack speaks volumes about our level of consciousness. Life’s challenges are our litmus test.
I mean, who doesn’t find life easy when life is easy!
How many people do you know, or how often do you personally take time out to consciously honour and witness your emotions without getting stuck in the narrative (need for control, or blame or to be right, pride etc.) when sh*t happens? Most of society is trapped in conditioned, unconscious, limited concepts – narratives – that define their experience and existence.
So back to my point…
I have so many stories of using hurt, trauma, drama, and conflict to better understanding myself, my unconscious beliefs, and what I need to feel alive, acknowledged, and on purpose. And my most significant accomplishment is in helping my kids do the same. Conscious parenting has been a soul calling for me. Having been given the tool of Transcendent Meditation as a kid allowed me to see with a wider perspective which prompted me to ask questions like, “How can I use this challenge to grow my personal awareness and heal?”
Because I live this way, it is something (in every moment I can) I impart onto my children. I want my kids to be free thinkers, to trust themselves, and to make conscious choices instead of being swept away or kept small because of the limiting beliefs, reactionary patterns, or unhealed wounds within themselves or others they come across in life.
When it comes to the so-called yucky stuff that we typically try to avoid, hide or suppress, it’s important to note that life repeats and gets louder until we pay attention – so we must learn how to bring the unconscious conscious.
My ex-husband shared this video (we both love Jeff Foster’s work). It is a poem about consciously embracing our sh*ty, yuckiness as a way to awakening. It reminded me of a story I had just told in my course, and I think it’s so profound that I wanted to share it with you. Watch the video here.
To help you better follow along with the story, let me first share a process that I teach and have worked with and in different forms over the last 25 years. I use it with almost every client even if I slightly modify it or use different variations, depending on their specific situation. I teach it at guest speaking events, use it with myself, and at least one of my kids almost daily. It is a foundational process worthy of developing as a regular practice to unravel, understand, and hold our complex emotions.
Why do we want to understand our feelings better?
Because emotional maturity, freedom, and responsibility create safety, security, and grounding for ourselves and those we love.
Here is the process narrowed down into the three main steps. Of course, there is also an initial grounding and coming into presence to access our inner awareness and wisdom:
- VALIDATE THE FEELINGS: Name, breath into, witness, and acknowledge what you are feeling three times. Letting go of any need to label or judge them. We do this three times because we always have more than one emotion swirling, and the surface emotions are usually covering deeper, truer feelings underneath them. These feelings bring insight and validation to what is happening for us at the moment.
- UNCOVER THE UNDERLYING NEED: Our emotional, overwhelming feeling, outbursts, or suffering all cover up a need that has been left unattended and, if met, would bring ease and clarity into our life.
- TAKING OWNERSHIP FOR OUR NEEDS: Once we are conscious about what we need, we can then take responsibility for meeting them. Even if that means we clearly ask for what we need without the underlying neediness that comes with lack of clarity. Think of how empowering this is! How many people have real unmet needs and project them unconsciously onto or partners, children, parents, etc. in anger, passive aggression, or neediness? Instead of putting exceptions onto others to meet our needs that they can’t meet, we get to take responsibility for what we need consciously. That way, it opens vaster possibilities for them to be met as a result.
Now for the story! One day my son was feeling challenged, off, down – let’s just say he had some emotions “up.” Honestly, without practice, most people don’t know what’s up let alone how to name it. Unless we take a moment to go within and name it, this can be a major stumbling point.
So, I ask, “Would you like me to guide you to find some insight into them?”
He says, “yes.”
So, I guide him inward, into presence and ask what he is feeling three times. It was some combination of emotions like sad, alone, and unloved.
After guiding him to breathe in to, validate and honour these feelings as well as acknowledge the parts of him that are feeling this way, I then ask, “And what is it that you truly need at this moment?” He says, “Connection.” We honour and acknowledge that, too.
Then I ask, “What are the actions, pathways, or possible ways you can meet that need for connection right now?” He says, “I could go have a Meditation (the most authentic connection is within), I could ask for a hug, and I could…” I don’t remember the third thing he said, but I always ask for three.
So, he has just come into the moment, honoured and validated what is going on for him, uncovered the underlying need outside any narrative that might also be swirling around, and is clear about how he can meet his need to feel connected and loved.
But guess what he says… “That’s fine, but I’m still actually feeling sorry for myself, and I’m not sure I want to change it just now.”
Guess what I said? I exclaimed,“THAT IS WONDERFUL! Now you get to make a CONSCIOUS choice to do that!!!” I continued, saying, “It is TOTALLY okay to take the day to feel sorry for yourself and do it well but do it consciously.”
Milk it. Allow it. Honour it, as well. Learn from it and then choose from there.
Typically, when something comes up for us, and we don’t take the time to unravel what is going on, we get caught in an unconscious needy, yucky cycle. All while trying to get unconscious needs met. The problem is that they are unconscious, and we are going about in ways that repel others. We are left justifying a story and narrative that leads nowhere.
Anytime we can dive in and bring our unconscious conscious, we align with our best self and life in ways we could only imagine!
I encourage you to write down those three steps, and when you are feeling a swirl of emotions, take a moment to turn inward, inquire, learn and unravel what is unconscious so that you can live a more conscious existence.
I’d love to hear about how this exercise impacts your life
