Do you feel gratitude for your shame?
The topic of shame has come up with clients of all ages and status in conversation these past weeks. Regardless of what is happening around us or what our exterior world looks like our inner world can look quite different.
In one conversation this week, we talked about how people from all walks of life feel shame – from very accomplished, respected professionals to people who struggle with addiction. It seems to be part of the human condition. I was asked, “wouldn’t the accomplished people – doctors, lawyers, and the like – have an easier time dealing with feelings of guilt and shame because they have examples of “success” to lean into?”
I said, “no!”
Deep levels of shame trigger a core belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you. This deep level of un-worthiness isn’t influenced by education or financial status, etc. We have all heard of so-called successful, accomplished people committing suicide. Sometimes high achievers are merely compensating for some dark, painful beliefs and experiences.
While we all attempt to deal with these feelings differently, the reality is that unless we have the tools to process these emotions properly, they can be incredibly destructive in our lives.
We must have the right kind of support in order to embody the understanding that we are not what happened to us and we are not the worst thing we have ever done—we are divinely perfect.
It’s easy to allow emotions like guilt or shame to stop us from making the changes we want to in our lives. And it’s equally easy to come up with plenty of reasons to back up our position of unworthiness. These even include the idea that ‘my shame is worse or better than theirs.’
And that’s why I’m writing this post.
We don’t need to remain enslaved to our shame. We also can’t continue to justify the shame if we truly desire freedom and inner peace. Instead, if we can learn to differentiate between useful and harmful guilt or shame and process the emotions, we can freedom from it.
What would useful shame look like? What about harmful shame? And how do we work to heal them depending on which one it is? To learn how to unpack shame I invite you to book an inquiry session here: https://TheOtherSideofAverage.com/Inquiry
One thing is for certain: whenever we’re feeling shame, whether useful or not, it’s always happening for us. The triggering of it means your soul is saying enough is enough. It’s time to listen, unravel and return to your essence and authenticity.
You’ve betrayed yourself for long enough. You have chopped away at your vibrancy, your sparkle for too long. Pick yourself up, face what is there to be faced and breathe life back into yourself.
I, too, have been through times that knocked me down. Even though I’ve spent a lifetime witnessing myself, exploring presence, and using my pain to grow, it doesn’t mean sh*t doesn’t happen.
Life still happens.
It’s up to us how we deal with it.
A PERSONAL STORY FROM 2008:
It’s funny how life brings teaching and experience to learn from right when you need it. It just so happened I was cleaning out my garage, and I found a box of old journals. I thought I’d share this journal entry because it aligns so much with what this month’s TOSA theme is all about.
This past situation triggered shame in me and below is the journal entry of me processing it at the time. Please don’t mistake my positive approach to mean shame and hopelessness weren’t deeply triggered. I just also knew there was another perspective to take that would guide me through. I have developed the skills to feel broken, hopeless, and shameful, at the same time as feeling gratitude and desire. Healing requires a both/and approach. Plus, the alternative to healing this was far more painful than moving through it and my kids were looking to me for their sense of safety and assurance. I was not going to let this break us.
In 2008, my then-husband and I expanded our business and added a second branch to it. Well, within a month of opening our new doors, the economy crashed. We struggled for two years to hold things together until we couldn’t anymore, and everything came crashing down. We had to close it all, we owed money to people we respected, the staff we loved who were relying on us for work lost their jobs, and we lost everything we had. Some felt compassion for us and listened, some blamed and attacked us for their struggle, and some just carried on untouched.
Here is the journal entry and prayer I found from the center of that experience:
“I feel gratitude for what I have and a willingness to open up to the abundance that is around me. And yet in moments of deep struggle like this, I wish to hide and escape my life; to live another one. However, the only one that is here to live and experience my dreams through is this one. This is the only one I have to be present with. All there is is to be with these moments that I want to escape. It is fascinating to watch these challenging situations like losing your business. It brings your inner darkness and pain to the surface and the darkness of some of the people affected by it and their supporters attacking you.
It is a natural tendency to shrink, shrink inside, and want to hide. It is a delicate balance of honouring the inner solitude necessary for healing and not letting it take you to a place of hopelessness.
To truly heal and open up and live into our best life, we must meet the struggle, the shame. It’s vital to say thank you to the shame triggered by a situation that, in turn, triggers childhood shame arising to be healed during times like this.
In an ideal world, we would be raised by people and a society that encourages and supports our trials and tribulations and our dreams and desires. More often than not, we find people secretly celebrating our failure as if it makes their failures and shortcomings less painful.
Additionally, they are quick to judge our accomplishments and dreams because they are often too afraid to pursue their own.
What does it mean to live into my desires, goals, and intentions of all things beautiful and abundant when faced with shame and loss? It would mean I place considerable value on who I am and what I’m worth. It would mean that I honour and open up to the gifts within myself. It would mean that I am connecting in ways I couldn’t before; it would mean my ability to give and embody gratitude has increased.
It would mean I choose to love myself despite the naysayers inside and out—the ones that are determined to spark shame. I will use my courage, inner strength, and abominable spirit to soar and give people hope: you can do it, Keli.
You need to open up to the abundance of the moment, honour the need for loving solitude and rest, say no to shame (or doubt and lack of self-esteem), and continue to witness that inner, negative self-talk. Keli, you can move forward one present, positive step at a time.
I commit to a life of gratitude, joy, and freedom; to live my passions and dreams and to give hope.”
If you’re experiencing shame, I want you to know that you’ve got this. I see you! It’s time to face it and learn from it.
If you would like help dealing with feelings of shame or guilt (or other difficult emotions) book an inquiry session and we can explore shame and its root causes, as well as what you can do to live into the beauty and innocent that is calling you in the moment.
