Achieve Freedom Through Forgiveness – The Other Side of Average

Is everything forgivable?

Is there freedom on the other side of deep pain? Does every problem come bearing gifts? How do you find freedom in forgiveness and why does it seem so hard?

I get asked a lot about forgiveness. People want to know how it’s possible to see their hurt from a non-victim perspective when wrongdoing actually happened.

If our true nature is love, and it is our letting go, reframing, and healing our past that brings freedom and opens the doorway to reclaim our power, then why do we hang on to our pain and suffering for so long? We stand paralyzed and fearful, yet craving change.

Just like a cut that our body naturally wants to heal, we all yearn to let go of our painful stories, release our past and find freedom through forgiveness. The calling to live our soul’s desires and reclaim our wholeness is almost palpable.

We are either empowered by life or trapped by it.

We have all felt stuck and clung to stories, anger, blame, grudges and resentments, and were therefore left disempowered, trapped in the cycle and unable to step into our greatness. We were unable to experience the depths of our compassion, love, grace, and ease. The path of suffering and conditioned reactions has trained us to disconnect; yet, we were born with the desire and purpose to love wholeheartedly. Children are our natural-born teachers – they show us over and over again how instinctive and graceful it is to forgive. Children naturally love, show kindness and easily let go.

If forgiveness is innate in children, then where is it now for us as adults?

This natural, instinctual, part of you is still there. It hasn’t gone anywhere; it has just been buried by mistaken beliefs, conditioning about life, self-imposed rules about how the world should or shouldn’t be, or fairytale ideas about what love is supposed to look like.

Now, don’t get me wrong. If you are holding onto resentments or contemplating the idea of forgiveness, I know you aren’t lying about grave, hurtful situations or betrayal in your past, or potentially serious challenges that you are currently facing. You and I have both experienced painful situations; I hear and see your pain.

I also know that many of the most successful role models on this planet who have made huge impacts on humanity are people who have been through horrific life events. Yet, they will all tell you that two things impacted their success and ability to live a fulfilled life that makes a difference for others: they reframed their tragedy (became empowered by it instead of enslaved by it) and they deepened their connection to the source of who they are.

If you are still carrying pain, you most likely didn’t have the tools or support to use the situation to empower yourself and certainly weren’t able to extract its purpose.

In fact, the world around you and the human condition doesn’t support what it means to take a stand outside the victim mindset. Everyone is walking around with their victim story, ready to tell it, and ready to unconditionally support your victim places, because if they don’t, what does that say about theirs?

It’s very rare to find someone able to stand in the center of truth, detached from playing the role of victim, villain, or saviour – the most primal archetypes. Addicts hang around with other addicts for a reason; they find support in their habits. Those who no longer want to drink or do drugs hang around people who don’t drink so they can be supported in a place of change. The same thing happens for men-haters, womanizers, dysfunctional parents…they all seek people of like mind.

If you have done any kind of spiritual work or deep personal development (which I’m assuming you have, since I work mostly with conscious women and families), then you probably already know we are born with love and have learned fear and hate. I can confidently assume that you have explored the idea that your habits set the stage for your quality of life, or that the outside is a reflection of your own inner world and that everything happens for a reason. You are probably still reading this because you want to heal what’s there to be healed and you crave freedom from your resentments, grievances, judgments, anger, and hurt. You feel trapped in the repetitive story and want to break free.

Finding complete freedom from your suffering requires a new understanding of the world around us. There are some things in life that are eternally true and some things that change all the time. Our human condition is built on a set of rules, conditions, belief systems, and roles – rights and wrongs. Yet they are forever changing. What was deemed right centuries ago is no longer acceptable. The world of humanity’s roles, rules, and standards are always changing and in the center of said conditions, there is a fundamental, underlying belief that we are separate.

The eternal, unchanging understanding and shift in perception that is needed to feel empowered and become free from your story, is that we are all one at the core. Our experience of our physical surroundings and bodies tells us that we are separate, but we are all connected. Sages, teachers, and seers all throughout history have reminded us of this inescapable reality underneath the surface appearance of things. When we strip away the conditioned mind, what we are left with is this eternally true reality.

So with that in mind… how do you achieve freedom through forgiveness?

When people speak about forgiveness or letting go, the majority are still stumped at the how.

Throughout our lives, we will inevitably be harmfully impacted by people, groups, or situations around us. It is unfortunately impossible to live a life without suffering, which is why we must learn these essential tools of forgiveness. The path of understanding and releasing the pain, anger, and resentments we hold is an internal process we each need to become acquainted with if we wish to live a happy, whole lives and reach our highest potential.

Forgiveness is defined as a deliberate decision to let go of the narrative of injustice, and the feelings of resentment toward a person or situation who harmed us, regardless of whether they deserve it or not.

So, why should we forgive?

If you find yourself stewing on certain situations or events in your life, forgiveness brings us inner peace and frees us from the negative impacts of that anger and resentment. When we release the grip of old resentments and stories that have kept us stuck and frustrated, not only are we able to move on, we’re also able to realize what’s possible for us. By turning our attention inward, we reclaim our power, return to love and open the doorway to new levels of freedom.

When we’re able to face these tender situations with openness and inquisitiveness, they reveal doorways and insights that allow for the unfolding of our wholeness, empowerment, true partnerships, and inner strength in life.

What is the process of forgiveness?

Forgiveness does not happen overnight; it can’t fully happen until it happens on a cellular level and we can’t bypass any part of a journey if we seek complete freedom from our story.

We need to look at it both from the perspective of non-duality (unity consciousness), and by owning our current duality – until we can fully accept our fragmented, separated existence, we can’t experience our oneness. We live in the world of humanity, but it won’t serve us in finding freedom and returning to love. We have to look at it from a higher perspective and honour, accept and lovingly embrace both ends of the pole.

Generally speaking, the 5 phases of forgiveness look like this:

Choosing: This is not an easy process to come to – your desire for change must run deep; like unquenched thirst. If you are choosing forgiveness it is a result of a couple of possibilities. Maybe you have taking an inner assessment of your own damages and pain and found that harbouring resentments, revenge, and anger, or reliving the hurt and betrayal comes at a greater cost than the situation that happened or the integration process itself. Or maybe you had a wake-up call in the form of a physical illness or loss that signifies loud and clear that you must do your “inner work” or the messages (suffering) will need to get louder to get your attention.
Feelings: If we’re not willing to fully tell our story, have it witnessed, and feel all the feelings associated with it, then we will not be able to let go. Even when we know there’s a different perspective, we can’t bypass the actual point of trauma or feelings associated with it; fully owning our victim story and honouring that truth as seen from our human condition is essential. We can’t heal what we aren’t willing to feel. Most of us spend a lifetime avoiding and suppressing painful feelings and memories. Your vulnerability holds the key to reclaiming your power and inner strength. This is not to be confused with allowing our emotions to have/use us – we simply have the emotions for a reason and feeling them is part of the letting go process.
Understanding: In this phase, we gain a broader understanding of the situation. Science tells us that what we remember about a given situation changes as we change our personal awareness about it. Our memory about a given situation actually changes each time it is recalled and the feelings are expressed. Likewise, people who were also there recall something very different. Stories and personal narratives get edited and reconstructed every time we tell and/or feel them. Therefore, once we have revisited pieces of our story through telling it, having it witnessed and feeling our feelings around it, we are able to gain some new insights into the narrative of the story. Within all of our stories, we hold interpretations, limited concepts, assumptions and beliefs. This phase of our healing is about seeing it with a new understanding, blaming correctly and seeing it with a fresh set of eyes. This is also the point where we start to experience compassion, mercy, empathy, self love and the ability to see this situation with less charge. We begin to feel less identified and enslaved by it. At this phase, we may also take the necessary action or setting of boundaries to help support the reclaiming of our power. Unfortunately, it is at this stage where most people and professionals stop; they get stuck as to how to move forward, completely reframe the situation and find a total release from the victim narrative.
Reframing: The reframing part demands a huge shift in perspective, from why this is happening, to the standpoint of life happens for you, not to you. You begin to see that your challenges are actually doorways to awakening. You will be asked to recognize that there is a purpose within what happened, that its intended purpose is there for your personal and spiritual evolution, and that it is indeed part of your karmic journey that you agreed to take in this lifetime. There are gifts, new awakenings, and divine clarity wrapped up within each obstacle. This stage requires understanding around very specific types of philosophical frameworks, a commitment to embodying spiritual truths, owning your part in the suffering, practicing unique types of inquiry, and usually support from someone who can guide you. Your empowerment and freedom depends on your ability to reframe your victim narrative (which holds you powerless). You are responsible for whether you choose to redefine what defines you so that you can make room for more joy.
Integrating: There will be residual feelings and ingrained stories that will work hard to take up space and, as I mentioned until they are released cellularly, you will still carry the seeds of victimhood. The use of daily practices like transcendent meditation (or download my “Freedom Beyond Struggle” Meditation here) and breathwork, along with specialized inquiry and inspired actions, all work to integrate, embody, and re-member our spiritual intelligence, divine purpose, and the reclaiming of our true power and innate wisdom. This equates to letting go, releasing, and honouring our human experience. This is where you return to love, peace, and true fulfillment. This is where you get to experience the true miracle of life; this is where you witness the truth that nothing is unforgivable.

Get started today:

If you’re ready to take on some forgiveness practices, start by journaling each day for one week on these questions below:

What resentment are you holding onto? What’s hurting you? Is there someone you felt betrayed by in the past? Tell us about it. Is there someone or something you have had a hard time forgiving?
What patterns do you see repeating within these situations? Where have you experienced these patterns before? How did you feel powerless? What needs to be felt and/or understood within this narrative/story?
Who would you be if you no longer had this narrative? What would happen next for you? How would you feel and who would you be without it?
If your hurt has a message, what would it be? Does this situation provide a way for you to deepen your spiritual connection? If so, how?
What role could this situation play in helping you reach your highest potential, tap into your inner strength and reclaim your power?

As you begin to journal on these questions, space will open up around the situation. Then, if you’d like to go deeper into your forgiveness journey – download my “FREEDOM BEYOND STRUGGLE MEDITATION” here.

I see you, you are enough and you can find freedom and ease on the other side of pain and struggle.

xo Keli