My daughter—who I have an amazing relationship with—had an emotional day last Thursday. It ended up challenging both of us. We both felt triggered. That night we had an open talk about it but still felt a bit disconnected when we went to bed.
We were both moving towards each other with love, yet this thread of “being right” was still pulling in the background (which is very unusual for us).
The next morning, we came together to connect, talk and clarify. In the conversation, she said, “These situations are good for relationships on occasion because it gives people an opportunity to build the relationship even stronger, and remind us of what’s important.”
PROUD MOM MOMENT!
I talked to her about how these situations are important “choice points” that come up throughout our life. They are usually core beliefs playing themselves out in some way, and we can be “right” about them, or we can choose to move towards happiness, but not both.
We talked about the old belief (wounded perspective) each of us was looking through when we were triggered.
Hers was, “I don’t matter enough.”
Mine was, “What I do is not seen or validated.”
Both of us know cognitively what is “truer,”—which is the complete opposite to those statements. She intellectually knew how deeply she matters, but the feeling wasn’t aligned at that moment. I know how much my kids acknowledge me and what I do as a parent, but I wasn’t feeling the depths of that truth at that moment.
Neither one of us want those old stories impacting our awesome relationship, so we took a moment to honour each other’s feelings in the centre of those beliefs. We then reframed the narrative because we value our relationship more than the trigger.
All feelings are there to be validated, but if we try to justify the narrative, it keeps us stuck repeating the same things in different ways. The limited narrative creates suffering if not reframed.
Using relationship difficulties as an opportunity to connect only happens when we have the skills and the intention to work through them. Finding the place of joining, truth, and love is possible in the centre of ALL challenges.
I love the wisdom I receive weekly from the three amazing humans that I birthed into this world! It reminds me that I am both the teacher and the student. The honouring of our wounded parts without justifying the story allows for the love at the centre of relationships to blossom.
Out of curiosity, have you ever found yourself in similar situations where your need to be right outweighed your need for a deeper connection?
Or where you felt triggered and let that trigger (and resultant emotions) get in the way?
I think we’ve all done this many times over in our lives. The problem, of course, is that when we do this, it damages our relationships. In small ways and in not-so-small ways, as well.
When you let yourself fall into these patterns (of reacting in a certain way after being triggered), what does it cost you and the people around you?
Does it help you give to people or take away from them?
It’s easy to get stuck in these reactive patterns and the need to be right. But as the saying goes, we can either be right or we can be happy. In order to be happy, however, we need to learn how to go beyond the reaction we’re experiencing.
What would happen if you confronted these reactions, and the stories underneath them as my daughter and I were able to do?
The number one fear for parents of teens is having the emotional ups and downs create disfunction, conflict, or separation within their relationship. It is never too late or too early to learn these tools. That’s why my soft spot is working with parents.
If you’d like to learn more about these tools and how you can learn to go beyond these reactive patterns, please feel free to book an inquiry session with me HERE.
You can also check out some of my other blog posts on conscious parenting HERE.
